The Cheese

You want to know the best birth control ever? Come in to the restaurant I work at on Sunday's. Imagine "Kid's Eat Free" promos combined with the fact that we are conveniently located near Mesa and Gilbert. Do any married women in that area have any other tasks to do than prepare dinner for their husbands then bang repeatedly until their 9th child is conceived? By that time I imagine kids just start walking out of the birth canal. But I am getting ahead of myself. Picture a "typical" American family. Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, and maybe one "accident" child. I would love to believe that really is a typical sized family. Instead add about 5 more brother and sisters all eating mac and cheese, wiping their slimy fingers over everything, including each others' hair, and you have my typical Sunday. I don't understand the promotion, why do we want to ENCOURAGE this type of behavior? It's like, "hey! have more kids, we will pay for them!" (Wait, do I smell a Democrat behind this?) So we put a restriction: one kid's meal for every adult entree purchased. Well the cheap bastards have this figured out too. (Apparently the mom's do have time for something else: planning ways to screw over childless servers). Yes kid's meals can be split. Granted one portion can be something such as a half pound of macaroni, but when I split your children's FREE ice cream sundae, don't come bitching to me about how they need more. They can eat more macaroni or hey, maybe you can order them a side of french fries. Although that would mean spending $2.29 on your child. Less money for you to get your nails done and you know your husband isn't going to give you any more allowance money that week.
I'm not saying all kids are bad and I hate them, but I strongly believe that people should test dogs before they move on to a baby. Or if they believe that breeding like rabbits is going to be their lifestyle, they should invest in shock collars. The thing is kids wouldn't be so bad if their parents actually parented them. Sorry dear but when you decided to push a human being out of your vagina, you signed up for more than a cute accessory. Just because Angelina Jolie has 80 kids it doesn't make you socially cooler than your friends without kids. I'll let you in on a secret moms and dads, allowing your kids to do whatever they want when they're 5 years old means when they are 15 and stealing the minivan to smoke weed it in with their friends, it is completely your fault. Save your money, Dr. Phil can't help you. Your kid wasn't molested when they were young and are acting out because of repressed memories, no you were a fucking lazy parent! Remember when you let them smear mac and cheese sauce all over the table and drop the other half of it on the floor? Well I do, so I hope enjoy your future weed smoking, pregnant teen drama in a few years.
Final Words: Lemon flavored anything is my new obsession. I crave its' taste and smell and can't get enough. Maybe I'm pregnant...right, maybe I'm the next Virgin Mary. (Yeah try not to spit out whatever you were drinking when you read that ya jerk).