The Groceries

Maria never ceases to amaze me. I just got back from grocery shopping with her. I am a faithful Safeway shopper. Once I find a store, I stick to it. I even hate changing locations because I like to know where everything is. Do you really like having to ask the 15 year old bagger boy who just got an erection when you looked his way where the tampons are? I prefer to just know where to go. When they move shit around to make it more "appealing" for customers I want to scream. You know what appeals to me? Everything staying where it used to be. Do the bananas really need to be up in the front of the store because they're on sale this week? Apparently Dole is seeking to pay its child labor $.50 an hour instead of $.25 so they can keep all the pseudo-liberal "I want to save the children" marijuana freaks happy. Back to Maria.
So we are shopping. I am purchasing, she is pushing the cart commenting on every item I buy. When I shop I look at the Nutrition Guide on every item. I like to know what I am putting in my temple. Every time I mention how many calories or salt or sugar is in an item, Maria talks about Chips Ahoy, Cheetos, or ice cream (brand is unidentifiable because she will eat any of them). Up and down the aisles we go, the further we go the more she is craving cakes, cookies, and ice cream even though I have purchased nothing but healthy, smart options. By the time we get to yogurt, we started on veggies which is on the complete opposite side of the store, I am ready to tear into the bakery like a crack addict showing up at Amy Winehouse's digs. As I debate between Key Lime yogurt and Kiwi Lime, Maria asks, "What is the difference anyway? What's a key?" I nearly died trying not to insult her too much after I rolled around the floor, told 3 other customers in the aisle, and pointed at her with gasping breaths from laughing so hard.
After making it make to my car, we decide to hit Yogurtland. One of those new fancy frozen yogurt items where you pick how much you want, add your own toppings and pay based on how much it weighs. I love this. First, they give you cups that could fit a small child in it, so you feel forced to fill it up more. Then they put out 300 toppings. I love watching people head up to the counter with their coconut-reeses peanut butter cup-strawberry-kiwi-chocolate chip-caramel sauce-vanilla wafers with a dab of yogurt under there somewhere. The weight groans because you now successfully created more calories in one sitting than Kirstie Alley could ever dream of. Congratulations fat ass. Now talk to your slightly chubby friend who got only fruit on hers, about how it doesn't matter because the yogurt is "fat free." Maria is not one to claim any of her food is fat free but she sure makes it hard to eat right. Tonight her toppings included: chocolate chips, brownie bites, vanilla wafers, and gummi bears. Being 5 years old again must be fun. As we head home she begs me to stop by McDonald's. I am not kidding. The bitch wants more. So she gets medium fries and chicken nuggets. Now don't get me wrong this is the same Maria from before and she's not fat. How does she do it? You know Jersey Shore? Girls with the giant hair? Maria's is three times that size. And now I know why.
Final Words: You want to know why the economy is still in an economic crisis? Because the U.S. Census Bureau sends out 5,000 different letters to every living space to make sure you're "counted." What a joke. Do me a favor, save the postage and do something useful, like I don't know, say, saving some of the thousands of public libraries across the nation that are shutting down. But hey kids don't need to read, I am sure there is an app for that.